Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Cats (2019)
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy