CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Yes my dude
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
called in thicc to work this morning
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure