me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
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[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
jesus, what did this guy do
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]