If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.