Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.