Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…