After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
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*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?