friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.