I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
You Might Also Like
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.