Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.