Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing