“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.