Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
You Might Also Like
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Was it something I said?
Spider-cat: No One Home
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.