Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Breaking news:
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.