*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.