I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
#catsoftwitter
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…