God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
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Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
greetings!
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.