Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”