“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat