Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
So the ex texted me
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.