I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer