[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Mornin
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.