Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave