The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
going to the ER y’all need anything
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard