[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
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*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Catercrombie & Fish
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?