(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.