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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My patience has stretch marks.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.