Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome