Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
You Might Also Like
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you