some cats are just doing for fun!
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*