How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
This is the one
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win