“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.