a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house