To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”