The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me too 😆
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.