*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The days of good grammer has went
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi