Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…