I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket