I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.