Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
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Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Every haunted house movie:
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Tuesday
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store