[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
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Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”