Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.