new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor