Monday Lisa
You Might Also Like
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too