I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You Might Also Like
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*