I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
You Might Also Like
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own