*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
You Might Also Like
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Wednesday
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.