Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My love language is hissing.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?