my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I love twitter
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Me in tagged photos
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
If you know, you know
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.