It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[classified ads]
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
The best shot in the history of golf
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.